Friday, 31 December 2010


Happy New Year to one and all.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010


Oooh isn't it exciting. Only a couple of days to go! So far I have been told I will be getting a sack of coke and a switching off Santa Claus, but I don't think I have been that naughty! Groan ups don't half tease sometimes don't they? My other Headmaster said I wasn't to use tnt to make the bangs in our crackers. Isn't it awful when your reputation is maligned? Everyone knows I am quiet and misunderstood.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010


Well I seem to have ruffled a few feathers with my haiku. (Do toads have feathers.....maybe not). So chums, over to you.....Working on a standard of 5 syllables for the first line, 7 for the next and 5 for the third row, how about a few haikus about the Beaks, the lessons or anything that takes your fancy.....not too rude, not nasty, just a bit of fun?

Sunday, 5 December 2010

After the Magic Spell Making Class - A haiku

He used to enjoy

Whacking pupils - our batty

Toad of a teacher.

Christmas Term

This term was rather good, even though our numbers were somewhat depleted by weather and snow related injuries.
We started off Morning Assembly with a uniform inspection by Mr Andrew who made disparaging remarks just because my blazer is a tad long in the sleeves....well, my Guardian always gets my school uniform slightly large so that I can grow into it, hasn't he seen the Tesco clothes voucher ads? The rest of me was neat and tidy though! Anyway Andrew R got the hp for being tidiest (hmm another Andrew...nepotism?) and he did look smart I must admit. Although I did manage to duff him up later.....
We had a short break before first lesson started, and I had to see Mr Malcolm in the Staffroom re a bit of cheekiness which he had upgraded to Impertinence (they never down grade do they!)
The time table had had to be revised because poor ol Mr Grimshaw couldn't get his huskies kick started and so was stranded in whatever bit of the country he hails from unable to come. That was a shame because we were all looking forward to his English Heritage Lesson. Instead we got ol Anthrax, who proceeded to baffle us with one of his English as a Foreign Language lessons. Well, it was certainly all foreign to most of us. We had to fiddle about with a sentence concerning us just waking up on a ship which was about to strike a mine. It was certainly a minefield for us! He introduced us to such mysteries as the preterite, the pluperfect, the present continuous active, ditto passive and other sundry snippets of information. Michelle and I sought to enliven the lesson by donning alice bands complete with purple velvet bats...... as Mr Andrew is reputed to spend his spare time hanging upside down from the rafters, in the basement, like a bat, we thought he might have some empathy with them. Nothing doing of course, the man is a cold fish, we got an entry in our books for wearing the wrong colour headband in class, cos Mr Ray, who was Classroom Assistant said purple wasn't a school colour, and when I turned and had a discussion with Daisy and Sarah about purple being a school colour for Hawthorne's School, (and the rule doesn't specify which school) that didn't help either, ol anthrax hauled me off to the Staffroom at the end of the lesson and laid in with his usual enthusiastic manner. In my agitation I forgot to say thank you, and was rapidly reminded with a second dose of a cane that stingeth like a serpent!!

The next lesson was Social History with Mr Melman, variously known as Postman Pat, or Dr Death (on account he has this thing about murderers and executions). Jane being sadly absent (we all send our best wishes for a speedy recovery Jane) Postie handed me a pile of A4 papers and told me to hand them out. I inadvertently ruined the start of his lesson by announcing brightly, oh it's Albert Pierrepoint, which apparently was going to be his first question. I then ruined any chance of earning a hp for being helpful by offering a copy of the picture to everyone, including the off duty Beaks and the caretaker....well Mr Melman had said give one to just can't please some people! We had a lively discussion about hanging, hung and hanged, and Mr Pierrepoint's prolific career (437 victims or thereabouts), and then it was break.
Art with Mr Malcolm was super fun. He brought along these modelling balloons and we all tried to make animals, or something recognisable, but not rude, from them. It was quite a revelation to know what those balloon thingies we have seen in our Guardian's bathrooms are actually used
for....Melman very kindly confirmed this.
It was jolly difficult to make anything too. You would have just twisted a tail and two legs for the back end and be starting with the front end when the back would untwist, usually with quite a rude noise, and you would be left with a long tube again! Daisy managed a lovely swan, and Benji made a Dr Who type head band, I ended up with a survivor from a ship wreck wearing a life jacket and sitting in an inflatable raft..... I must have been influenced by ol anthrax's lesson.....being struck by a mine!
Mr Melman filled in a missing lesson (due to Mr Grimshaw's absence) by giving us a General Knowledge Quiz. Saxons were a tad thin on the ground, so ol Anthrax stood in for Jane Kershaw (although she is decidedly the prettier of the pair) and the battle began. It ended up with Saxons first, Romans second, Celts third and Vikings fourth, all done in a good spirit with much laughter and banter.
Lunch came next. I was temporary Christmas Lunch table monitor, and I set out all the Christmas Crackers and chocolate coins and the teachers' pressies while Mr Curmudgeon did the cutlery and cups and jugs of (soft) drink. Each of the teachers' crackers was marked with a specific teacher's name. It is always satisfying to see the worry on their faces as they gingerly shake the things and hold them to the sides of their heads. One year I must prime them properly, and watch all those ears explode!!
We had scrummy pasta bolognaise with garlic bread, followed by even scrummier apple crumble and cream. The teachers opened their pressies. This year they got personalised books linked as closely as possible to their interests, Miss Livingstone and Mr Holmes shared a book about a little lost Dinosaur who they help to return to the Jurassic period, Mr Melman had a book of zoo rhymes about giraffes and animals with voracious appetites, Prof Robertson was sent back in time to meet real historical figures, Mr Malcolm won an art competition and went on a hot air balloon ride, Mr Grimshaw's is still waiting for him, and Mr Andrew turned into a steam train and disappeared over the hill, I liked that one. Mr Ray, being new, had arrived after the books were commissioned, but my Guardian found a CD entitled MrRay so he wasn't left out! Mr Curmudgeon took charge of a bomb shaped pressie for Mr Reamon!
Lunchtime over we settled down for history with Prof Robertson. We did a sort of role play of the Battle of Hastings. Celts and Vikings had a battle up North, Stamford bridge I think, and marched south cos the Normans (role played beautifully by Roman House) were about to cross the English Channel to invade. Anyway, they all met at Senlac Ridge, which is something, I understand of a hop skip and a jump from Hastings, as in the Battle of.... ,and spent all day battling to and forth. Then Harold shouted "keep an eye on the Normans lads" and one of them shot him in the eye with an arrow and that was that. William, the chief Norman, took the throne and he was crowned on December 25th at Westminster Abbey as William 1st..... so that was our Christmas link with history...neat hey?
Christmas Art with Mr Ray followed. Most of the children made paper decorations while I dressed the Christmas tree. I made a feeble joke to Mr Andrew about there being a vacancy for a fairy to sit on top of the Christmas tree and I was dragged away and well and truly thrashed........ one tends to forget the limited capacity of the sense of humour of some of our Beaks. Still my friends rallied round and cheered me up again. It's nice to be surrounded by people who really do care.
We had Final Assembly, and as is customary, Miss Livingstone gave presents to all the teachers. She never gets one for herself, so this year Tommy mac organised a committee and we redressed the situation. As Head Girl I called on the pupils to give three hearty cheers for Miss Livingstone and the teachers, which was done with commendable enthusiasm, then I handed over a present to Miss Livingstone from all of us pupils. She seemed to be dead chuffed.
Some of the Beaks and pupils had to leave then. Mr Melman is apparently on some sort of curfew and legged it as soon as Assembly was over, and Benji needed to be home by a certain time too. Still, that left lots of us for games, and dressing up. Geoff turned into a girl, and Mr Ray appeared in short grey trousers and a school tie and jumper..... and I was lucky enough to be in the Staff Room being dealt with by Mr Malcolm when Master Ray was hauled in and whacked by Miss Livingstone for falling over in Musical Statues. It was worth a week's pocket money to see him blush when he was whacked! He's a good sport.
We played uno stacko, and musical chairs and musical statues and pass the parcel. Pass the parcel was great, we got chocolates if we had the parcel when the music stopped. The other games were a bit dicier, as once you were "out" you had to go to a Beak to get whacked! I made sure I chose Mr Malcolm..... this was a game after all, I didn't want to spoil it with more tears!
We had a lovely buffet, mince pies, sandwiches, scrummy rolls, salmon mousse and cheesy bits and sausages. Plus cherryade, orangeade and lemonade to drink......... mainly cos we are children, but also to make sure our Guardians were safe to drive. New Grange Manor is a sensible place to go to!
And then it was all over. Back into vanilla clothes, hugs all round and wishes for a Merry Christmas and a happy new year and we were off. My journey home was a little less lonely this time, as I was able to offer a lift to a fellow pupil and drop them off at an underground station a few minutes drive from my home. Chatting made the journey that much shorter! So all in all, another successful term at New Grange Manor School, and roll on February Term!
Bethany Grant
Head Girl

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Christmas is Coming!

It's Christmas term soon! We are going to have a party after school, with games, and pressies! Even the naughty children will be getting presents from Secret Santa if they are taking part that is!
First of all though we have to have lessons, and hopefully they will be Christmas related. We have to take our Art aprons, so I'll need to be fairly good so I'm not stuck in the Staff Room when it's time to set up and clear away. I'm Art and Craft Monitor and that's one of my monitorial duties you see. And as Monitors, we are expected to do our duties cheerfully without any reward, because let's face it, if we did get special treatment it would be awfully unfair to those children who aren't Monitors wouldn't it? We don't like favouritism at New Grange Manor. So I shall have to be sure that my punishment book isn't full of unremitted misdeeds. it'll be quite nice to have a break to myself for a change!
It looks as though we are going to have lots of pupils this term, and the usual suspects on the Staff side, so it should be quite lively. Add to that Christmas crackers and little surprises and everyone should have lots of fun and merriment. And that's what New Grange Manor is all about anyway, fun and a good time had by all.
Bethany Grant.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Scary pranks

So there I was, sitting mulling over the wicked time we had at boarding school, running my mind over the various pranks that we got up to, and trying to work out which was the scariest. It was pretty dicey when I wound Professor Robertson up with noisemakers in class, the others were all holding their breath waiting for him to explode, but it didn't quite happen.

Bursting a balloon outside Miss Livingstone's room at 4am was also pretty scary, the consequences anyway, but I can't really take any credit for that. Aiding and abetting yes, but I was on look out duty at the top of the stairs as I didn't think I would be able to scamper up them without getting caught, rather than being there, outside the door, helping Sarah and Michelle with the fell deed.

I think, with hindsight, the bravest, although most might comment most potentially suicidal act that I committed was done on the spur of the moment. I was a few minutes late for Lunch having been detained in the Staff Room to explain, and pay for, some slight misdemeanour. Mr Melman chased me into the refectory, urging me to get my packed lunch and settle down at the table before he made another entry in my punishment book. All our packed lunches were in white paper carrier bags, each marked with our names, and there were several on the table as some of the Beaks were missing. And amongst those present was Mr Melman's lunch bag! It was the work of a moment to slip Postie's bag behind mine, and carry the two of them to the table, dropping his quietly to the floor as I sat down.

Not a great piece of mischief, you may think, dear Reader, unless of course you are conversant with our Deputy Headmaster, Ol Postie, and his somewhat voracious appetite. He's not been compared to Dusty Bin for nothing! I can already see those in the know paling under their tans as they realise the enormity of my offence in parting Postie from his nosh. It was quite funny at first, watching Mr Melman searching amongst the bags for his own, then reality sank in, and it was with quite a sinking heart that I confessed to hiding it when he questioned those of us assembled! I wasn't wrong either, a most unpleasant few minutes ensued in the Staff Room immediately after Lunch, and the effects lasted for many minutes longer!


Friday, 5 November 2010

Boarding School - A Tommy View.

Here is a contribution by our resident "bad boy" Tommy Mac to add to the overall impressions.

. "I never knew school could be such fun! Oh happy days, walking round to the schoolrooms in crocodile, disappearing one at a time so the poor old Beaks arrive on their tod. lol How easy they make it for you, just one Beak at the head ha! We all thought the Beaks were a bit green this year as they seemed to fall for nearly all our plots. Even Postie rather foolishly allowed several pupils to leave the lesson to collect the stolen 'confiscated' stuff. We took a bit of a long time 'collecting' them. One change though..Beaks bite back, We found detonators and tricks being left in our dorms! Outrageous. I think it was brilliant this year, most of the day was timetabled and there was no waiting around for something to happen. The teachers kept busy trying to deal with the entries in all our books, but I came home with 6 or 7 outstanding, and I think lots of us did. I call that a victory. The lessons were great too as lessons go. The Prof's battles really came to life and the Halloween drama thing turned out to be good fun. Of course there were some dumb old tests as well, but you can't have everything. Next year Miss says we will investigate the old school in the village. Is she mad! We don't want to leave our school just to look at another one! There's no accounting for Beaks brain waves.

tommy mac"

Thursday, 4 November 2010

The Third Midnight Feast!

On Sunday night we decided that , Mr Melman having departed to reluctantly resume his normal life, that it would be a doddle to have a third Midnight Feast. It did prove to be a little more difficult than we had anticipated, and we started later than we intended, but we spent the best part of two hours eating, drinking and putting the world to rights. To get the flavour of the event, here is a contribution courtesy of MIchelle who was replying to a posting from Miss Livingstone bemoaning the fact that we had disturbed her slumber!

"Thanks Miss Livingstone and all for making such a good weekend, lots of fun which really boosted my low spirits at the moment. Funny how as soon as i link up with all my school chums and partner in crime I easily fell back into the non stop routine of annoying Beaks!!

When i initially suggested popping a balloon outside Miss L's bedroom door at 4am, on the way back to our beds from a midnight feast (made later by the fact that Miss L and Mr Holmes just wouldnt stop texting us.....), I wasn't sure if any of the pupils would be brave enough to join me. However Sarah immediately agreed to pop the balloon if i stayed with her, whilst the others all waited on the stairs ready to run once the deed was done. The balloon went off and we all legged it to our bedrooms. Five minutes past and we all returned to the landing to see if any lights went on. We heard the Prof which is very unusual as nothing normally wakes him and dived back under our bed clothes with lights out. Miss Livingstone's head looked round the girls dormitory door and declared "I'll be back".

It was then that we decided 'in for a penny in for a pound' and all scarpered into Mr Melmans old bedroom. We can safely say Miss Liverboobs was not a happy Beak on her return and found all but Tommy, who was behind me in the wardrobe, but did appear when we were told to line up on the far side. It was unfortunate that whilst she was lecturing us, not one pupil could stop laughing, making the situation even funnier! After being caned we all trooped back to bed and stayed there. Just seeing a very sleepy Miss Livingstone's face appearing round the corner of the door made the prank was worth the punishment!! I have since decided that 4am must be a favourite time of ours, as at the previous boarding school i set the hidden alarm clock to go off in Miss L's room at 4am as well!! Will this 4am routine become a tradition? We will have to wait and see..............
The quiet innocent pupil, well most of the time!!!!! "

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Things that go bump in the night!

So there we were, in our dorm, highly excited and chatting away ten to the dozen. Mr Melman yelled through the wall to tell us to be quiet, then Miss Livingstone appeared and waited while we all climbed into bed. She turned off the light, warning us not to make any noise and disappeared down to the lower floor.
I pushed the button on my fart machine remote control and I was gratified to hear quite a blood curdling noise from the next room. Three presses later and Mr Melman put his head round our door to warn me that he would cane me if I did it again. Well, of course, as my regular readers know, I do like a challenge, or if a Beak is reading this, my finger slipped, and there was a rather long howling noise. Mr Melman disappeared for a few minutes, then returned with his straight cane, the one that stings. He ordered me over the end of my bed and administered twelve fairly hard strokes. Before he had managed to get out of the room, I had the machine going again, and was once again directed to bend over the end of the bed. This continued for some time until I decided I didn't really want to sleep on my tummy all night.
For a while silence reigned. We had decided that Midnight would be the best time for the Feast, that being the traditional time. It was almost Midnight when I slipped out of the room and made my way along the corridor. There was a backwash of light from the stairs which threw into perfect silhouette the head of Mr Melman as he lurked behind the frosted glass window on the top landing. I quietly back tracked and reported to Shell and Sarah that there was a Beak on the prowl. We kept the door slightly open, and after about ten minutes we heard Mr Melman's door close. Again we cracked open the door and surveyed the corridor. Nothing. I stepped out into the corridor, took two steps towards the stairs and Mr Melman's head popped out of his doorway like a demented tortoise emerging from its shell. He chased us back into the room, ordered us to bend over the foot of our beds, and punished us again before telling us to get to sleep.
Again we left it for a good ten minutes, and this time when I left our dorm, I studied his door very carefully, no light spilling out around it, dead silence within, just the creaks as the house settled for the night. We had made it past the head of the first stairs on our way to wake up Tommy Mac when Mr Melman and Miss Livingstone surfaced on the top landing. I kid you not, they were like a pair of demons at the pantomime, they only needed a puff of green smoke to announce themselves to finish off the effect! Miss Livingstone sent Shell and Sarah back to the dorm, and told Mr Melman to deal with me. As the corridor was quite narrow at that point, he sent me along to the wider part at the head of the second set of stairs because he could get "a better swing there" and told me to bend over. As he was caning me, Chris's door opened and he came out to ask Mr Melman to kindly make less noise! Mr Melman chased him back into his dorm with several cracks of the cane across his bottom!
By this time I had lost count of how many strokes I'd been awarded, and I was seriously contemplating sleeping for the rest of the night. The other two looked slightly ruffled after Miss L's administrations too! However, we New Grange Manor pupils are made of sterner stuff, and although I was dozing quite nicely when Tommy mac and Chris nipped into our dorm, I quickly became wide awake. They had slipped down the second set of stairs, then came up the other set so that they avoided Mr Melman's door to some extent.
We had all the goodies packed, and went out one by one, very quietly, and crept down the stairs. We recc'ed the lower landing (the Beaks' landing), there was no sound, and no lights, so we slipped along to the head of the main staircase and carefully made our way downstairs. We decided we would use the Staff Room. There's comfortable settees in there, and a nice rug on the floor. We spread out the food and sweets. Chris had brought beer, and we had Pimms (which I had never tasted before but found very delicious) and vodka with apple juice and I think cider. Yes, I know that as Pupils we are not allowed to drink alcohol, but as we were being so naughty anyway, we thought we may as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb.
Hanging didn't come into it though. Caning did. We were just getting into the swing of things when the door flew open and Mr Melman stood there, looking like an avenging angel, in maroon pyjamas! He read us the riot act, and told us to pack all the stuff away. We packed it into two bags, one plastic, one a bright orange Iceland bag. As Head Girl I was called up first to bend over the bench. He's obviously a man who needs his beauty sleep to keep his temperament sunny, and I realised by stroke two of twelve that he was a tad miffed. The others were called up in turn for their dozen. Someone managed to purloin the plastic bag of goodies, I think it may have been Tommy Mac, and get them out of the Staff Room while Mr Melman was otherwise engaged, but the orange bag remained there. At least it did until the following morning, when observing that the Staff Room was empty, and the Beaks otherwise engaged, I nipped in there (yes, I know it's out of bounds, but then, I wanted my goodies back) retrieved the bag and concealed it elsewhere!
We returned to our dormitories, somewhat sore and chastened, but thrilled that we had managed to pull off a Midnight Feast even if it had been curtailed a bit early. And so to bed, to sleep the sleep of the innocent.

Boarding School

Last Friday a motley group of adults met together at a south western venue for a fun weekend away from our usual mundane lives. We ranged in age from around mid thirties to early sixties, and we came from all over the country, the Midlands, the North, the South, the Capital and the South West, and from all walks of life, and professions, plus an OAP! Within a couple of hours of arrival, once everything had been unpacked and put away, we separated into two distinct groups. Uniformed pupils, and the Beaks (as our teachers are known collectively), and long before Lights Out the two sets, Children and Adults, had melded into their roles.

Our one disappointment was that Mr Malcolm was too poorly to be let out of the Home for the Confused and Befuddled. Matron put her foot down and decreed that he remain in his sick bed, (while, no doubt, she stroked his fevered brow) instead of coming along to join his colleagues. He's been at New Grange Manor since he entered the teaching profession as a student teacher, and it was generally agreed that he has shaped up very nicely as a Beak, and of course his loyalty and helpfulness are second to none. However, I digress.

We were left more or less to our devices while Miss Livingstone sorted out the evening meal. It appears that the chef had had an unfortunate accident with a horse..... Our groan ups don't seem to have much luck with animals, Mr Holmes was chased by a flock of feral hens and according to Miss Livingston was found half way up a tree, cowering on a branch. Unfortunately no-one has told him that hens don't really fly, so he was farther up the (gum) tree than he really needed to be! You can see a picture of his chief persecutor above! Tommy decided to hide the school bell. I helped her by suggesting an interesting hiding place. Chris got thrashed by Miss Livingstone because the bell was missing, despite Tommy confessing that he had taken it, and that I was involved on the periphery of the prank! We got our comeuppance too!

Sarah, Michelle and I were thrilled to discover we were sharing the same dormitory as last year, with Tommy Mac two doors away, and Chris Pike in the the far dorm beyond Tommy. Keith was behind us in San, cos he was still recovering from a rather nasty cold and cough which left him with a very poorly chest, poor lad. We were less than thrilled to find that Miss Livingstone had given Mr Melman (Postie Pat) the room in between us and Tommy, so that we could be more closely supervised after our mischief making last year. We had a feeling we were going to have to work extra hard in order to complete our plans this time, and so it proved!

Still, we arrived before Postie did, so Shell and I proceeded to booby trap his room while we had the chance. A noisy plastic chicken went under his pillow (on hindsight it might have been better suited to Sherbert Holmes' bed), several mice, giraffes and spiders went under the duvet, and a fart machine was cunningly concealed behind a bedside cabinet.

We set the table for dinner (all the pupils had chores and we were all very good about getting them done). We had one long refectory table, the pupils sat at the head, and the teachers at the foot of the table. All the old hands amongst the pupils chose their seats with care, thereby leaving the newer pupils, Keith and Chris, sitting next to a beak. Keith was okay cos he had Prof Robertson on his right, but Chris was sitting to the left of Postie. This resulted in most of the meals being punctuated by the cry, "Pike you stupid boy" and the crack of Mr Melman's hand against the back of Chris's head!

We had scrummy shepherd's pie, with seconds for the hungriest (Chris and Postie!) and a pudding too. As it was the first night and we'd all had long journeys, Miss Livingstone did a quick Assembly, running over the rules, Bounds, Lights Out Rules etc, then we were sent to wash, get into our pyjamas and snuggle into bed before Lights Out. So away we went. And I will leave it there for now, dear Reader, because the activities after lights Out deserve a chapter to themselves!


Monday, 1 November 2010

Third Term at New Grange Manor Boarding School!!

Boarding School

These just get better and better. This one was absolutely amazing. When I can sit comfortably, and I've caught up on my sleep, (three midnight feasts would you believe!!) I will spill the beans.

Friday, 15 October 2010

A glimpse in the HBC basement.

Well here you are, folks, as promised, a photo taken in the basement at the home for the Bewildered and Confused fairly recently. Mr Andrew is pontificating his rules of English Grammar, while Mr Malcolm is
concerned about his next meal! About par for the course for the pair of them!!

Hallowen and School

It will soon be Halloween, and a lucky few from New Grange Manor will be spending it deep in the heart of the countryside at boarding school! Double fun! My Guardian is already busy making me a Halloween jumper for the party on Sunday evening. It's full of ghosts, and bats and pumpkins and the wickedest devil you ever did see! Except you won't unless you are one of the chosen few!
We've already seen the timetable, and it's crammed full of activities. There doesn't seem to be much time for causing mayhem and mischief, but of course, where there is a will...... Although I'm not sure if Will is coming, there's me, and Sarah and Michelle, Tommy Mac, Keef, and Chris, not sure who else, although we have a wide range of beaks, Miss Liversausage, Mr (Sherbert) Holmes, Mr Melman (Postie), Mr Malcolm (ol Eff 1), Mr Reamon (A4) and ol Prof Robertson. Gosh, that's a Beak/Pupil ratio of one to one. I hadn't realised that, we'll certainly have to keep on our toes, otherwise we'll just be looking at them (our toes)! Still, I do enjoy a challenge.
My Guardian can't take me all the way to the venue. Poor old dear tires too easily driving long distances on account of her "affliction"..... so I am to be decanted part way and I will share a car with Tommy mac (hooray) and Miss Liversausage and Mr Holmes (boo) all the way there. Not a great deal of scope for plotting, but I dare say we might manage something. Our Beaks do tend to have the hearing of bats, although at least we are spared the company of the completely batty one, as he will remain hanging from the rafters, in the basement of the Home for the Befuddled and Confused, like a bat. I do have a photo somewhere, must see if I can find it and scan it in.......
Anyway, I digress. A nice long weekend, in school uniform, in beautiful surroundings and a gorgeous schoolhouse, what more could anyone ask? And there's always the chance we might learn something interesting too!

Thursday, 14 October 2010

Something to mull over.....

Definition of favouritism:-

1) The practice of giving special treatment to one person.

2) The state of being treated as favourite.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

October School

Well that was an interesting school. We had the presentation of the Trophies. As predicted, Celts came first, Romans were a very creditable second, followed by Saxons and Vikings. I don't exactly understand how House Points are allocated, but as House Captain of Romans I'm happy enough with the result!
Jane took the personal house points trophy, again, as the Beaks had given her the most personal hps during the year.
We had quite a large gathering, 15 pupils, including some new oiks who we inculcated into our mischief making ways. Daisy, Sarah, Maxine and I enlivened morning break by standing side by side, feet slightly apart, arms upraised to make an "X". hands lightly touching. We waited to see which Beak we would draw in, and in due course ol Eff 1 lumbered across to us demanding to know what we were doing. I explained that we were making a human transmitter, to try and communicate with an alien life form. And as we dropped our arms, I commented to the girls "and it looks as if we have succeeded girls". Eff 1 looked a trifle discomfited and said he would deal with us later. I don't think he ever did though, he certainly didn't catch up with me, there's nothing in my punishment book about communicating with alien life forms!
By this time we'd had Political History with Mr Grimshaw (I booby trapped his books with a detonator which made a pleasing bang, oddly enough he wasn't pleased, and expressed his displeasure in the usual way!). Exploration of Knowledge with the new Beak, Mr Ray (Sugar) came next, during which I pinched the box of chalk of his desk and passed it around the class. Several of us were in possession of "School chalk liquorice", a white sweet which looks like pieces of chalk, and we openly ate these as the chalk box circulated. He either didn't notice, or decided not to go there, so once again we got away with a fairly well organised piece of mischief.
I was a little late for biology having not heard the bell. This is probably explained by the fact that I was hiding behind the woodshed waiting for another pupil to join me in an act of truancy. However he got waylaid on his way out and sent back to his desk, and I was bored and a bit cold so I went back in. I got an entry in my book for being late to class, but then in that lesson I got half a dozen entries for one thing or another so it all sort of blurred into one. i didn't sit comfortably for some time, mind. The Grim in particular seems to have realised I won't break in two if he whacks me that bit harder!!
Lunch was scrummy, the downside being that Daisy and I had to sit at the Beaks' end of the table as the other seats were all taken. it's not a pretty sight, you know, dear Readers, watching the teaching faculty at the trough so to speak!
We decided to enliven the day after Lunch by developing measles. I had a couple of packets of red adhesive dots in my satchel, as you do, and we dotted them on our faces, hands and legs. Miss Livingsausage was incensed when we declared that we were allergic to dinner, rattan, canes, straps and anything else the Beaks might have about their persons to chastise poor pupils with. She made us line up, no consideration that we might be ailing, and after threatening us all with a dose of cod liver oil and malt (which I adore) we were sent into the Staffroom two by two, a bit like the animals in the Ark, for the Grim and ol Eff1 to deal with us. And they did so with a somewhat alarming degree of enthusiasm!
Art was great fun. We made Bunting with a Halloween theme. This is going to be hung at the boarding school weekend. I decided on a skull in a coffin shaped box, quite gruesome, and fiddly to do, but it earned me a precious hp so I was well pleased.
By this time we were all getting tired, and Prof Robertson wisely shelved his lecture on military history (bit of a disappointment to me as I love military history) and we played "Who am I?" using figures from history. It was fun and brought the evening to a gentle end.
So all in all a good day.
Boarding school comes next, so watch this space!!
Bethany Grant
Head Girl

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Forthcoming School

Another school on Saturday. This is the precursor to boarding school too. There will be presentation of trophies for house points, and hopefully lots of mischief to intersperse the lessons.

Sunday, 15 August 2010

August School

We had such a super school yesterday. We were a tad thin on the ground owing to illness, holidays, and a clash with other events, but nonetheless the day buzzed from the word go!
I arrived quite early, and having changed into my uniform, we have lovely new school hats now btw, (and this term I wore my best grey gymslip as I wasn't wearing my school jumper, the weather being a little warm) I was sent into the Staffroom to sit at the table and do my Sats under the eagle eye of Mr Malcolm. And I must say it made a pleasant change to be sitting in the Staffroom rather than being bent over a bench in there! The Sats were quite challenging, especially as it's an extra two months for me since we did the work we were being tested on. I do know I inadvertently added several hundred thousands of years to the building of Stonehenge, by my reckoning it would have been Tyrannosaurus Rex and his mates who had a hand, or a claw, in it!!
Still it was finished in time for me to have a bit of fun before school started. I met the two new ticks, Jeff and Danny, and introduced them to pegging. We also had a new Beak, Mr Ray, who Jane promptly re-christened "Sugar", can't have a Beak at New Grange Manor who doesn't have a nickname! Being fresh meat he was the ideal subject for a demonstration of pegging. I strolled past, attached a bright pink clothes peg to the bottom of his jacket, and returned to the new pair to hand over a couple of pegs for them to have a go. The Grim spotted the peg and called me across to him and Sugar to give me a gentle reprimand (it was before school started) and to explain to Sugar the niceties of some of our mischief. He did also tell him that my word can be relied on, if I'm guilty I confess, if I deny the prank, they can be 100% certain I am innocent, so that was nice to hear. We rely a lot on personal honour at NGM, and we rather frown on folk who deliberately let others get into trouble for their misdeeds. It's just not cricket.
We got stuck into lessons immediately after Assembly. History with the Grim consisted of some bite size facts about the Houses of Plantagenet,Lancaster and Tudor, although we stopped at Henry 7th this term. Henry 8th will nearly merit a lesson all on his own, like the Grim said, a bloke with six mother-in-laws needs a bit of space!
Archaeology was a bit of a hoot when Miss Livingboobs started talking about a couple of Archaeologists who are called "Leakey" (sic), and once she mentioned they were "incontinent of Africa" Jane and I lost it completely and were doubled over our desks nearly crying with laughter. We were sent out of the class in disgrace and ended up being bent double over the bench in the Staff Room which tended to steady us somewhat!
We had loads of other lessons, English Literature (Roman House got full marks in the Dickens Quiz), a spelling test ( two precious house points for me and Nicola for a 100% score) Biology, a somewhat surreal lesson where we learnt about the origins of poop. Thankfully that was after Lunch which consisted, it being summer term, of a cold packed Lunch. Lots of scrummy filled rolls, crisps, fruit, jellies, tomatoes and all sorts of goodies. I got into a bit of trouble when a tomato accidentally fell on eff-one's head, he hauled me off to the Staffroom and expressed his displeasure in the usual way. I expressed my cheek in the usual way but only succeeded in getting an extra 3 hard whacks which made me jump about a bit so I desisted after that!
I'd provided a jar of piccalilli for the Staff table. But they were all wary of opening it, led by the Grim who once opened a jar of mustard I'd offered him, and nearly dropped it when the snake popped out! Even the new Beak, ol Sugar, had become increasingly wary as the day progressed, by the end he was shying like a skittish colt if a pupil passed within three feet of him! Anyway, Chris, an intrepid Roman opened it up in the end, and a snake made a satisfying entry into the world! We also had a salt cellar which shoots along the table at a rate of knots. I'd had another couple of pranks in the pipeline but sadly I'd left them at home. Never mind, there's always October school, or the weekend Boarder.
We did try making gunpowder after lunch. Tommy mac acquired a spoon, and after several abortive attempts I got a beaker and we mixed the saltpetre (cream of tartar), sulfur (custard powder) and carbon (cocoa) together to make a nice powder. Must have got the proportions wrong though cos it didn't go off. Maybe just as well, I got into enough trouble with little bangers, a big explosion might have resulted in some serious retribution!! Plus we don't do dangerous mischief anyway, that's not the NGM way.
So all in all a lively school, and I can't wait for the next one!
Bethany Grant
Head Girl

Sunday, 6 June 2010

SATs etc

Well another term is looming. An important one too as we have our SATs exams. Sadly I won't be amongst those present. My Guardian is taking me off to do some volunteer work with vulnerable adults, and unfortuntely the dates clash. Never mind, at least it gives the Beaks a bit of a rest. They might even pop down the road to the local pub to watch the footie seeing that all will be quiet on the classroom front.

Monday, 12 April 2010

The Dog Show

We did it! We had a Dog Show, after Lunch!! I took six photos of dogs, and superimposed a Beak's face over each of their faces, and then we gave them all kennel names, just like at Crufts. So we had:-

Miss Livingstone - Old English Sheepdog - Athena Chuckles

Mr Melman - Cocker Spaniel - The Dark Marauder

Mr Malcolm - Poodle - Fluffy Hot Chix

Mr Holmes - Mastiff - Baskerville Hound

Prof Robertson - British Bulldog - Winnie the Pooh

Matron was a rather stunning Afghan Hound, kennel name Florence of Arabia, but as she was sadly absent she was scratched from the entries.

We had four classes, Dog with the Waggiest Tail, Dog with the Cutest Expression, Dog in Best Condition and Dog the Judge would like to take Home, with four rosettes per class, Best in Show and Reserve Best in Show.

The full Results were as follows:-

Dog with the Waggiest Tail

1. Mr Holmes

2. Mr Malcolm

3. Miss Livingstone

4. Mr Melman

Dog with the Cutest Expression

1. Miss Livingstone

2. Mr Holmes

3. Mr Melman

4. Mr Malcolm

Dog in Best Condition

1. Mr Melman

2. Miss Livingstone

3. Mr Holmes

4. Prof Robertson

Dog the Judge would like to take Home.

1. Mr Melman

2. Miss Livingstone

3. Prof Robertson

4. Mr Malcolm

Best in Show

Athena Chuckles - Miss Livingstone

Reserve Best in Show

The Dark Marauder - Mr Melman

So it was all good fun. The Beaks got a little rosette as a memento of their (unwitting) appearance in the Dog Show, the pupils were kept busy after lunch and out of mischief, and we all had a giggle. Nice naughtiness you see, that's the sort NGM prefers.

So now, dear readers, no doubt you will want to see the entrants? I'm uploading a photo, but for discretionary purposes, I have blanked out the original Beak's faces, but you should still get a flavour of what we did!

Bethany Grant

Head Girl

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Four Days to Go!!

Only four days now. Isn't it exciting? We've got everything sorted and the plan looks like it will go ahead without any problems! It's going to be such fun! Watch this space, and discover our funny secret after school!
Bethany Grant
Head Girl

Monday, 8 March 2010

All Through the Night!

Mr Malcolm suggested we do lines as he and Miss Livingstone wanted to go to bed (not together of course!) and they thought we didn't, although bed seemed tome a very good idea at that point. We had to write something like " ! will not drink alcohol, tell fibs, get out of my bed and hide other people's implements", memory is a bit hazy at this distance, but it was along those lines (no pun intended). We were taken into the Prep room and left at the table writing the lines. We were to leave them on the table when we'd finished. We pretty soon decided that we weren't going do then correctly, in fact the first two lines were okay but the rest we changed to read something totally different, an example of this is

'I will drink alcohol, get out of bed, tell fibs and hide other people's immigrants/ intention/ etc.”

We also but duff numbers by the side so that we got the numbers up to the 64 that they finally decided on, eg 19,20,21,37,38 etc and crossed our fingers they were not checked. We needn't have worried! I went up to the dorm at 2.45, michelle at 3.20 and tommy not long after that. We knew that the next morning we daren't make any complaint about being tired as would cause their wrath again!!!

Friday, 5 March 2010

Once again, my thanks to Michelle for her thoughts and memories.

At bedtime we kept playing up and we did not get to bed on time despite Eff-1 chasing us into our dorms! Eff-1 tried to take Michelle’s torch away as she kept switching it back on, so she got a smaller one out of the drawer to foil him with! Michelle went out onto the landing to see if it was clear, but Eff-1 was lurking out there. He asked Michelle what was she doing. She replied she was going to the toilet but that didn't wash with him and she was escorted to the staff room for a whacking.

About 20 minutes later Michelle , Sarah and I returned to the landing, trying to hear if the Beaks were upstairs yet. Eventually we heard Eff-1 go into his bedroom and so I operated the remote fart machine a few times. after a while we couldn't hear it so assumed he'd turned it off again.

So now it was time for the Midnight Feast! We had all brought various things for this. Tommy had brought cider, Shell brought lager and cider, and Sarah had some whiskey! Katherine had baked a chocolate cake. But she didn’t come down in the end as she was too tired. Shell held her torch up so we could see the steep stairs down.

Before we had the Feast we decided we would hide all the Beaks’ toys, and we did, thoroughly! We all ate and drank our fill, then sat round chatting about the Beaks and putting the world to rights! At around 2am we decided to go up to bed, so tidied some of the mess away but strategically left other things out so the Beaks would know a midnight feast had taken place. Nicola and Sarah went upstairs while we were finishing off then we followed them upstairs.

Tommy mac, michelle and I decided that we'd give Eff-1 a wake up call like last year, so on the way up I waited on the stairs and tommy played ghost music through a machine while Shell opened his door. We then legged it up the stairs, but as there was no reaction so we decided to do it again only this time, when his light went on we fled. Tommy and Michelle hid in the small passageway linking Eff-1 and the Prof’s room, while I hid under a bed in a spare room. His door opened. Michelle and Tommy were silent, his door closed the light went off but just as they decided to leg it his light came on again. A few minutes after his light was switched off so they decided to make a runner for our dorms. I went first, as my hiding place was closest to the dorm, then tommy and finally Shell. Unfortunately Eff1 was waiting behind his door and chased us up the stairs. He managed to grab hold of Michelle’s foot, so she had no choice but to go with him. Naturally Tommy and I couldn’t leave our chum to face the music alone, so we trooped down to the Staffroom in their wake.

We had that dreadful feeling that things were going to get a lot more interesting. How could we side track him cos once he seen that the implements were missing we were going to be dead meat? He demanded to know where the toys were but we refused to tell him as we had made a pact with the others that nobody would tell them of the location before at least school the next day.

Eff-1's face was a picture when he saw the state of staff room. He demanded to know where the toys were but we continually refused. We were lined up in the Staffroom with our hands on our heads. Eff-1 told us that we would remain there in that position for as long as it took. But eventually he gave up and ordered us to bend over with our hands on head and stay there until we talked. He decided to change tactics and we were ordered to bend over with our hands on the settee. He used his slipper, and continually changed from one person to the next. Although the strokes weren't hard we didn't tell him that just made appropriate 'ow' noises, so he thought they were. After he'd been round all three of us several times we heard a noise from the corridor. It was Miss Livingboobs. We exchanged appalled glances. She demanded to know what was going on. We were then given the third degree as to where the implements were but we all stuck fast informing her that we couldn't tell her as we had made a pact with the others. She had a quick search but they were too well hidden.

And what happened next, well dear reader, it didn’t get any better!!

To be continued….

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Super Wheeze

We have got such a super wheeze planned for next term. The Beaks will be barking mad...!! There's a few of us involved in it, each concentrating on a certain aspect and it's coming together beautifully. All nice naughtiness, but well co-ordinated. Watch this space, although I obviously can't give any hints or details cos of the odd Beak or two who peruse these articles! But it's going to be such fun!!!!

Thursday, 28 January 2010

More boarding School Fun!


After lunch, Michelle and Tommy mac played footie and for a short period Eff-1 joined in. Then they came inside for a bit. Up in the dormitory, Michelle and Sarah helped me to blow up our inflatables, one man, one woman and one crocodile. We stuffed the man and woman under the bed in a spare bedroom and parked the crocodile in the wardrobe for use later on. Michelle went in Kaz’s and Eff-1's room hiding items.

The next lesson was Cookery with Miss Livingboobs. We made scones. We enjoyed the lesson and were generally well behaved. Nicola's struggled badly with cooking though, and ended up with something more akin to stepping stones than scones! We all helped clean up.

During Astrology Mr Reamon (A4) was very observant and missed nothing that was going on. When he caught me eating sweets he asked if I was hungry! Then he realised that Michelle was the “distribution centre” for the goodies, and wrote in her book! Don’t think he ever followed through with retribution though!!

Military History with Prof Robertson came next, we were doing the Dunkirk Evacuation and it was absolutely fascinating. Michelle got a bit bored, she’s not such a history fanatic as me, but she sat quietly completing a mosaic doodle until Eff-1 swooped and removed her pencil.

I was, in my opinion, unfairly punished for lateness by Mr Malcolm so I trashed his room and threw his slippers into Prof Robertson’s room. Unfortunately I had to confess what I’d done to

Prof R, in order to reclaim F-1’s slippers for him, so I ended up being punished by both F-1 and the Prof.

Prep followed. We were set an Essay which had the title “The Vanishing Headmistress“. Eff-1 decided to supervise, and Prof was sitting on the settee in the prep room too, so we worked away diligently. We were told we could complete it either after tea, during freetime etc as long as it was ready by Sunday pm. We returned to the table after supper as Eff-1 had told us that we had to, as some pupils hadn’t even managed a page yet. We chatted amongst ourselves, which tended to wind Eff-one up and we were taken off to the Staffroom at various times to have the need for quietness impressed upon us. Eff-one nagged Tommy to start so he did a drawing to illustrate the story! Miss Liversausage showed Michelle’s effort to Eff-1 as it had a reference to F1 being in Liversausage's headmistress’ cloak practising his aerobic dance moves! Miss L was a tad upset cos my vanished headmistress was turned into a chicken prior to a chicken barbecue!

Michelle went into F1's room to turn the farting machine back on, and left a spider in his bed in case she was caught in his room. She came upstairs and helped us to re-inflate the female doll and the crocodile. Tommy and Michelle operated on the male doll once they found the source of the leak, and Tommy and Beth found the leak on the crocodile by immersing it in the bath and repaired it with some tape that Tommy provided. When we checked on the inflatables later the female doll hadn't made it through the op, however we did use it on Mr Reamon cos we knew he wouldn't be


F1 shouted for both Michelle and me, and we found him outside his room. He asked if we'd been in there, I was able to truthfully say no, but as we don't lie if asked a direct question Michelle admitted she'd been in there so she was sent down to the staffroom for a caning. Michelle had also been in Miss L's room to place a couple of noisy toys in there and hide a trainer and other personal items of hers. Eff-1 found the male inflatable in his bed and asked me and Michelle if it had something to do with us. We admitted it, then we were told to get rid of it! F1 informed us that he had locked his door and when we tried it, it appeared it had. However after a bit of fiddling with it, Michelle managed to unlock it so the fun could continue!!

We replaced the inflatable man in f-1’s bed, a large inflatable willy went behind Miss L’s curtains, and Prof drew the crocodile. He’d told us of a saying of Churchill’s, about appeasement, something about not feeding crocodiles in the hope that you will be the last to be eaten, so we wrote out the quote and left it with the crocodile!

By then it was Light Out, so we all duly trotted off to bed.